Okay so my Saturday Texas Fishing Adventure didn't turn out to be a complete wreck, but there were a few things that I really fucked up.
I got to their house and ate breakfast and then we headed out. The lake was only like 15 minutes from their house so it wasn't that long or awkward of a drive but it still seemed like forever and I was totally talking all butch. But then we get to the lake and back the boat in and then he wants me to pull the truck and trailer out... he kinda looked at me like as if saying with his mind, "okay now I'm going to let you drive this big truck and this scary trailer on the back out of the water and then I want to you parky-poo it and don't fuck up" so I was instantly all nervous but it's not like I haven't done it before it was just someone's truck that wasn't mine. But I totally did it without dying or destroying the truck, which is a plus! Oh and there is this marina-like-hotel-thing that people can visit while they are at the lake and here is the ad for it... I almost died:
It seems like an innocent enough sign until you get to the list of amenities which read "lodging, restaurant,
STABLES" because that is apparently a really common thing to request stables to tie up your horse while you check out the saloon or have a gunfight or whatever. Maybe I'm missing something but I didn't see one fucking pony the entire day.
So we went out on the boat and he set up all kinds of fishing poles (4 on each side) mounted in little racks and then had our lure poles to cast ourselves. He said we were "trolling" for catfish and from that moment I kept singing over and over and over in my head "Trollin' with the homies" all god damn day. I'm pretty sure he would have thought I was on meth if I would have actually sung it out loud.
But this is where it gets good, faithful readers. During our escapades on the lake he asked me to let out some line on one of the big trolling poles that were dragging for catfish and I was all, "I can totally do that without fucking up". But I fucked up and hit the release button and like 40 pounds of fishing line went spinning in a big fucking messy coil around the reel and made a huge knot. So I just looked at him like, "what!?"
But he didn't really seem to mind he just sat there and untangled the tumor of string while I just got a sun tan. Anyway when the first fish bit I was all, "reel it in!" and tried to show me but by the time he had finished the first sentence I had already reeled the whole thing in and lost the fish that was on it and threw down the pole in a tantrum... well except for that last part. So he re-baited it with some tiny live fish (eww) and sent it back to the bottom. Finally one actually stayed on the hook and we got it in. It was so tiny and cute until you looked really close and then it was gross and I got flashbacks from "Finding Nemo" like it was Vietnam or something and was like, "but this isn't the ocean or Australia, so I bet his name is Jeff". So Jeff went in the holding tank and we kept going. I reeled 9 of those slimy bastards in but had to toss back 2 because they hadn't hit puberty yet. I bet fish don't get embarrassed when they go to school during puberty because they don't get zits and splotchy hair and pubes and stuff. I bet they actually get it on pretty young because they're just confident and sexy to the lady fishes.
So here I am after we got back to land and to their house holding up a line of them:
They were actually still alive in this photo and just had to bite down really hard for the picture, but then after they just went back into a holding tank and the guy took them to his friend's pond where all the fish gathered around and had a beer and were like, "remember when that homo caught us and didn't want to touch us because we're slippery?" and another one would say, "yeah once my cousin Nigel got caught by a homo but wasn't as lucky." And then they would laugh about it and thank God they didn't get eaten after all.
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