Monday, November 30, 2009

'Tis the Season

I apologize to my faithful readers for my failure to post recently. I have been crazy busy, but I will make a full-blown effort to do better now.

So I went shopping with my boss tonight after work at Kohl's (I never shop at Kohl's mostly because I just never think about shopping there and also because there's usually a million people at the Kohl's at home). And holy shit the store was empty. I thought I had walked into a scene from Silent Hill or something and totally expected to hear an air raid siren and get attacked by a huge fucker with an over-sized butter knife or something. At one moment the music stopped for just one moment too long and I almost let a little baby fart escape out of sheer terror. But when Jingle Bell Rock came back on shortly after, I got the chills, picked up a nine-dollar shirt and bailed like a motherfucker. I didn't even pay I was so scared. Then the cops picked me up about half a mile down the road and hauled my sweet ass into jail.

Okay so none of that last part happened. Well I did get the chills, pick up a nine-dollar shirt and bail, but only after I paid the kindly cashier like a good little boy.

Or did I?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Can I just say one thing!?

IT'S A FUCKING BURGER!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Is this Crematorium Kosher?

I was looking at Costco's website and found the "funeral" section and could not resist! They're selling coffins and urns and stuff and so now my thoughts are going in the wrong direction and I have this new ad campaign running through my mind:

"Running out of room in the backyard to bury your friends and loved ones? Finding your wallet a little lighter after all of the funerals?? Well stop throwing away money and searching all night for that perfect burial site! The Kirkland Backyard Crematorium makes cleanly and efficiently disposing of human remains a snap. Just open the lid, toss the corpse on in (clothes and all!), and press the large and friendly "Let's Get Cookin'" button. WOW! What's more, as the flesh is charred away from the bones the built-in CD-player will play the music of your choice to add another level of fun to this already exciting tool! When grandpa or the kid down the street is all done, just open the convenient valve at the bottom of the Kirkland Backyard Crematorium and get ready to catch the ashes with your favorite urn or shoebox (not included). Order yours today and we'll throw in our Kirkland Backyard Crematorium custom apron for when those extra messy guests stop by."

It takes a weeked like that to make you wonder if you've got a problem

Friday night we were supposed to go see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert, but apparently old B.J. is still sick so they fucking postponed it. So in lieu of said concert, we went up to good ol' Ramona Manor and played some games and got some drinks in us. Roommate #1 drove up and joined us and then we headed out to Piper Down to drink our evening away. And holy shit did we. I don't remember parts.

Then Saturday we went to a friend's house to play nerdy games and the whole shitshow started over. Death and destruction via booze consumption ensued!

Sunday I spent with Shaners and tipped one back again. So basically I'm saying that this weekend was a big blur and I need to try again.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I just had the best idea

I think I'm going to organize a Welcome Home Team that will applaud whenever someone reenters the building from just having used the shithouses. How delightful!

I love it when shit like this happens!

There are few things that can make a Friday payday morning better. Here's one of them:

Okay so I got to work this morning to find the south parking lot completely closed off with little orange cones and several large city truck blocking the view to some task being undertaken by men in orange vests and hard hats. There's a backhoe, a pump-type truck, etc. So instantly I'm all excited and as I circle around them to approach the west entrance I see them digging a huge hole in the parking lot and then tall bright orange structures appear near the far entrance to the building... PORT-A-POTTIES!! OMG people have gotta be so uncomfortable and embarrassed to have to use them because the entire north face of the building looks out happily over them and every nosy bitch has got to be pushing their beak against the glass to see who has to take a shit now! No shit (pun intended) this day is going to be fucking amazing!
What's even better is that for the 150-something employees that we have here, there are TWO fucking shitters... this is going to be an absolute treat!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Moon all over my face!

I'm thankful that New Moon comes out today. Me and the girls (mommy, sisters, Insig) are going to see it at 12:something in the morning and I am pretty excited. Yay for half-naked boys and sucking of things!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Eww these fish smell like a vagina...

Okay so my Saturday Texas Fishing Adventure didn't turn out to be a complete wreck, but there were a few things that I really fucked up.

I got to their house and ate breakfast and then we headed out. The lake was only like 15 minutes from their house so it wasn't that long or awkward of a drive but it still seemed like forever and I was totally talking all butch. But then we get to the lake and back the boat in and then he wants me to pull the truck and trailer out... he kinda looked at me like as if saying with his mind, "okay now I'm going to let you drive this big truck and this scary trailer on the back out of the water and then I want to you parky-poo it and don't fuck up" so I was instantly all nervous but it's not like I haven't done it before it was just someone's truck that wasn't mine. But I totally did it without dying or destroying the truck, which is a plus! Oh and there is this marina-like-hotel-thing that people can visit while they are at the lake and here is the ad for it... I almost died: It seems like an innocent enough sign until you get to the list of amenities which read "lodging, restaurant, STABLES" because that is apparently a really common thing to request stables to tie up your horse while you check out the saloon or have a gunfight or whatever. Maybe I'm missing something but I didn't see one fucking pony the entire day.

So we went out on the boat and he set up all kinds of fishing poles (4 on each side) mounted in little racks and then had our lure poles to cast ourselves. He said we were "trolling" for catfish and from that moment I kept singing over and over and over in my head "Trollin' with the homies" all god damn day. I'm pretty sure he would have thought I was on meth if I would have actually sung it out loud.
But this is where it gets good, faithful readers. During our escapades on the lake he asked me to let out some line on one of the big trolling poles that were dragging for catfish and I was all, "I can totally do that without fucking up". But I fucked up and hit the release button and like 40 pounds of fishing line went spinning in a big fucking messy coil around the reel and made a huge knot. So I just looked at him like, "what!?"

But he didn't really seem to mind he just sat there and untangled the tumor of string while I just got a sun tan. Anyway when the first fish bit I was all, "reel it in!" and tried to show me but by the time he had finished the first sentence I had already reeled the whole thing in and lost the fish that was on it and threw down the pole in a tantrum... well except for that last part. So he re-baited it with some tiny live fish (eww) and sent it back to the bottom. Finally one actually stayed on the hook and we got it in. It was so tiny and cute until you looked really close and then it was gross and I got flashbacks from "Finding Nemo" like it was Vietnam or something and was like, "but this isn't the ocean or Australia, so I bet his name is Jeff". So Jeff went in the holding tank and we kept going. I reeled 9 of those slimy bastards in but had to toss back 2 because they hadn't hit puberty yet. I bet fish don't get embarrassed when they go to school during puberty because they don't get zits and splotchy hair and pubes and stuff. I bet they actually get it on pretty young because they're just confident and sexy to the lady fishes.

So here I am after we got back to land and to their house holding up a line of them:
They were actually still alive in this photo and just had to bite down really hard for the picture, but then after they just went back into a holding tank and the guy took them to his friend's pond where all the fish gathered around and had a beer and were like, "remember when that homo caught us and didn't want to touch us because we're slippery?" and another one would say, "yeah once my cousin Nigel got caught by a homo but wasn't as lucky." And then they would laugh about it and thank God they didn't get eaten after all.

YAY!

I'm so happy to be home! I can't wait to tell you all about my weekend and fishing adventures and mishaps and beer drinking stupidity and all that shit! Just let me catch up real quick and I'll fill you in!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Jesus Lord What a Week

I have been busier than a pig covering up shit this week on the road in Fort Worth, TX. I apologize to my readers for my extended absence but surely you will understand that I haven't had a spare minute to shit let alone blog.

Anyway first of all, let me explain a few of my recent happenings. Firstly, I had to extend my trip by 3 days in order to be on-site for a big client visit in town to field any question and whatever other bullshit was needed. So because of this extension I am staying over the weekend and have two days off so my clients have decided to look for tickets to the Texas vs Utah football game Saturday. Is football the one with the nets and ice skates? I can't remember. Anyway, it was sold out and so I am basically out of luck or something. In lieu of attending the game, I thought I'd just go to the bar and have a beer about it.

So then today at lunch the CEO and IT guy took us to this little fish place the was absolutely fucking divine and the walls were covered with images of people with large fish and other paraphernalia of the sort. We started talking about our boss who had just gone on a fishing vacation and then about the CEO's experience catching a god damn catfish that weighed more than I do. So then I was all in professional mode and was like, "I've never caught a catfish".

So then (and I shit you not)... the following event occurred like in a full-blown movie:

CEO (shit tons of excitement in her voice): "Oooh! Do I have a deal for you!!"

Me (cautiously): "Oh yeah?"

CEO: "You are totally going to..."

Now I break here and ask you to imagine me and Ineffably at the table during the next few moments of the conversation.

(continued)"...be my husband's fishing partner Saturday!"

Me: "..."

CEO: "He will be SOO happy! He has been looking for someone to go fishing with ALL WEEK"

Me: "..."

So then a few minutes later I awoke to Ineffably standing over me fanning my face and calling my name and then some conversation about me having to drop her of at the airport early Saturday and continuing right on to the CEO's house where we would prepare for a fantastic fucking fishing trip!

And then after we will all go to the bar and watch the game.

SO! I'm going to be buying a fishing license and some batteries for my camera. Get ready, folks.